Up to Date

I am trying to get this up to date. After we found out the diagnosis, I took off work for a week. I had already given my notice at work and my last day was about a week after I went back to work. It was so hard to go back to work because it felt like nothing else mattered. I had another job set up, but there were various problems and then credentialing needed to be done so I had a couple months off. I actually start my new job next Monday. I was glad to have that time, but now I am really nervous about going back to work. I have spent the past couple months crying more than I knew possible as well as loving my sweet babies as much as possible. Kendall is now two and she's such a blessing. If we didn't have her, I would have most likely spent the past couple months curled up in bed.  I've been trying to enjoy every minute with Gabriel. Brandon and my family and friends have continued to be supportive and helpful. I know no one knows what to say, and really there isn't anything anyone can say except to let us know they are here for us, praying for us, and supporting us.

We've spent the past couple months meeting with hospital staff from the NICU doctor, a nurse, and a genetic counselor. They have been very helpful answering any questions and giving us an idea of what will/can happen at the hospital.  We wanted to donate Gabriel's organs, but found out there were a lot of requirements that may not be met and we wouldn't know until he was here. They also told us that we would basically only be able to see him for a few minutes and they would have to take him to prepare for organ donation. I feel a little bit guilty, but I want to have as much time with him as possible. They did tell us we could explore tissue donation that could be taken even after he passes away. We've met with the funeral home, which let us know that they do not charge for babies under 1 year old. So that is a blessing as the only thing we will have to pay for is the plot, digging the plot, and the headstone. We bought a couple cute sleepers and hats for Gabriel. A photographer friend is going to bless us with pictures at the hospital so we can focus on spending time with our little man.

It's been really hard, but I've tried to hold it together as much as I can with Kendall around. I don't want her to think her momma just cries all the time. There have been a couple times she's been so extremely sweet and wise for her age I just can't believe it. During that first week after we found out about the anencephaly, Kendall and I were outside rocking in the rocking chairs on our front porch and I was silently crying. She said, "Mama hurt?" I told her, "No baby mama's okay, I'm just sad." I just held on to her so tight. Don't get me wrong, I want her to see it's okay to be sad and frustrated and to cry, so I don't hide it from her. I  just know she doesn't understand everything that is going on. We talk to her everyday about her brother being in mama's belly. One night she was sitting in my lap, which we call getting "cozy" and snuggling with her head resting against my belly. Gabriel was kicking, which made Kendall's head move and I told her, "Do you feel baby Gabriel kicking in mama's tummy?" She then put her hand on my belly and patted it. It was the sweetest thing. I was so glad her daddy was there to see her do that.

So while this is the most difficult and heartbreaking time of my life, there are still so many amazing blessings we have and I just have to remind myself of this daily, sometimes hourly.